Why you should watch the Winter Olympics
2010-01-27

If there is anything we can learn about this winter it’s that British people and snow do not mix. I’ve written extensively about the British attitude toward a couple inches of snow (aka a British Blizzard), so I won’t bore you to death with all that again.

I will, however, try to convince you, The Great British Public™, to watch the Winter Olympics. A tall order, I’ll admit. When I mentioned to a British mate of mine that TeamGB have a good shot at a bobsledding medal, he said "Is that the one where they go fast in a bathtub on skates?" Getting a Brit to watch the Winter Olympics is like convincing Katie Price that underwear isn’t an accessory.

The recent delisting of the Winter Olympics from Britain’s so called "crown jewels" of free-to-air sports broadcasting and the fact that the British Ski and Snowboard federation is on the brink of going bust are just two examples of how low on the priority list the Winter Olympics are in this country. In fact, I don’t think anything illustrates the British view toward the Winter Olympics better than this:

In case you’re wondering, that is your big medal hope right there.

One of the biggest complaints I hear about the Winter Olympics from Brits is that they’re boring. This from a country that’s produced Snooker, Darts and Test Cricket. A country that broadcasts the Bowls World Championships in prime time.

If there is one thing the Winter Olympics are not, it’s boring. [EDIT:-- Line removed out of respect for the death of Georgian luger Nodar Kumaritashvili.] Speed Skating is like shooting five lycra-clad psychopaths out of a cannon onto a sheet of ice with samurai swords strapped to their feet! The Biathlon features high powered rifles! Snowboarding has stoned out wasters going down a mountain at mach 2! Curling has... well ok, Curling is boring; but what do you expect? It’s a British sport.

The Summer Olympics are boring. Throwing a heavy ball is a sport? Field hockey? Synchronised bloody swimming? The Summer games seem to hold patents on the shittiest sports known to man. The International Olympic Committee now recognises ballroom dance as a sport which means it is only a matter of time before it’s included. What’s next? Three legged races and competitive Duck, duck, goose?

Also, aside from Usain Bolt, the Summer games lack any true characters. Michael Phelps only became interesting when he was photographed smoking a bowl after the games had finished. Ross Rebagliati (pothead snowboarding champion) sparked up BEFORE his event and took home gold; let’s see Michael Phelps do that. Michael Phelps has since lost a good chunk of his sponsorship and was shamed in the press for his blunt-love. Ross Rebagliati has become a cult hero and is running for office in British Columbia. He’d probably win too, if he wasn’t so wasted as to pick a Cabinet minister to run against. Silly Ross.

I was in Calgary in ’88 when Eddie the Eagle and the Jamaican bobsled team made their Olympic debuts. People stopped what they were doing to watch Eddie; time positively stood still when he came out onto the ski jump. The nervous anticipation as he slid down the ramp, the collective gasp as he launched into the air and the relief (and slight disappointment to be honest) when he landed successfully. I suppose "successfully" is pushing it, but you know what I mean. People were glued to their televisions when Eddie or the Jamaicans were on. People could get behind them because they were such unlikely, but utterly likeable competitors. You will never ever see a movie made about Michael Phelps. Why? Because he’s as personable as a crash test dummy and as exciting as ringworm. How would a Michael Phelps movie go? A middle class kid grows up in a middle class family with a middle class dog who does well in a middle class sport. Oh, but doesn’t he eat a lot! You know he’s a boring bastard when his diet was the biggest talking point in Beijing. Even his nickname is boring! MP?! Fuck off.

Sure, nothing the Winter games can provide will replace the 100m final for viewing excitement, but I think it is safe to say that freestyle skiing, skeleton luge and even figure skating are infinitely more watchable than swimming, pole vault or the triple jump. Being Canadian, I’m obviously looking most forward to the ice hockey. The speed, the skill, the brutality of it is a wonderful thing to behold. I also can’t wait for the carnage of Snowboard Cross or the breakneck descents of the downhill skiing. The Summer games simply aren’t as good to watch. The most exciting things to watch in 2012 will be Usain Bolt’s gyrating junk and Jessica Ennis’s midriff.

There are almost too many exciting things to watch in the Winter Olympics, you should give them a try this year because, frankly, it might be your last chance.