DAMN YOU WELSH PUNKS!
2006-07-31

How was your day at work?

Good? Great.

What did I do, you ask? Oh you know, the usual... Worked on the computer, went to lunch, oh yeah and made a complete and utter ass of myself.

Now before you read on, I must warn you that there is some awful stuff in here today. If you are a family member (ie: Mom / Grandma), you may want to give this entry a pass. I realise that will probably encourage you to read it even more, but at least you have been warned.

It all started when we were sitting down to Lunch. We are a large team and often eat together and discuss, well pretty much everything. Last week in a single lunch hour we discussed the Israel/Lebanon thing, language differences and, oddly, the MTV show Jackass.

Now, in case you have never discussed Jackass at your workplace, let me just say DON'T DO IT. In the show, Johnny Knoxville, Steve-O and the rest of the MTV crew get up to all kinds of horrible stuff. Stuff that when you have finished describing it to people who haven't seen it, makes them a bit, shall we say, uncomfortable. Like when he shoves a toy car up his ass and goes to the doctor to get it removed, for instance. Not exactly dinnertime conversation. Not ANYTIME conversation, really.

Anyhow, knowing that some of the scenes are a bit on the horrific side, I kept my mouth shut. Having worked in HR, I know just how little it takes for someone to put in a complaint, so I tend to steer clear of these kinds of conversations.

At the end of the lunch hour though, a guy I work with mentioned that there was some English (actually Welsh) equivalent that used to come on right before Jackass that was apparently ten times worse than Jackass. He couldn't remember the name of it at the time.

He remembered it today.

Now, if you know what show I am talking about, you probably already know where this is going. Today at lunch (with my boss at the table) he says "Oh yeah, I remember the name of that show, it was "Dirty Sanchez".

I had a mouthful of my lunch at the time and choked on it.

Me: "What?! how did they get away with that?"
My boss: "What do you mean"?
Me: "You know... dirty sanchez... how could they put that title on TV?"
My boss:"What's a dirty sanchez?"

Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. Please God tell me that someone, other than me knows what it is. Nothing. nada. bupkiss. No one knows what it means. The whole team is between 25 - 35 so I thought they must've heard it at some point. I was wrong. Could it be possible that no one on this side of the pond has ever heard of it??

Of course they haven't heard of it you idiot, that is PRECISELY why those Welsh boys got away with it -- who knew the welsh could be so devious? (On a side note, I found out later that when they broadcast the welsh version in the US, they understandably changed the name to "Team Sanchez").

Me: "I'm not telling you"
Boss: "What? Why? How bad could it be?"
Me: "It's pretty bad."
Boss (to everyone else at the table): "Do you know what it is?"
Everyone: "no".
Boss(to me): "How do YOU know what it is?"
Me(backpedaling): "I, I, I... I don't know, it's just something that everyone knows."

They keep prodding me and prodding me. Of course I refuse to tell them. This is gonna get ugly, I try some damage control.

Me: "It's just one of those urban myth things that all guys have heard about. It's locker room talk".
Boss: "Wow, it must be good, I'm gonna google it when I get back."
Me: "Ok, you don't want to do that at work. You will probably see some things you do not want to see. Wait until you get home. Better yet, don't do it at all."

So, of course the second they get back to their desks, they look it up on Wikipedia. My boss is smiling and giddy as he reads, but slowly his smile disappears and the colour drains from his face. "You filthy pervert!" one of the other guys says to me. My boss just keeps repeating "Ok, close it down, that's not appropriate, that's not appropriate." And we worked the rest of the day in awkward silence. Great.

At the end of the day, I thought I better read the wikipedia definition to make sure it wasn't too bad. That was a pretty harsh reaction from them, I mean I know sticking your fingers up someone's butt and giving them a poop moustache is bad, but it's kinda funny too, am I wrong?

So I pull up wikipedia definition after they've all gone home and the description is absolutely vile. Who knew you could take something that, while gross, is kinda funny and turn it into one of the most horrific paragraphs on the internet. It goes into minute, clinical detail about it's origins and gives a complete and graphic description of all variations. It's awful.

Christ, this is not good. If it would've happened on a Friday, there might've been a chance people would forget about it over the weekend. But today is Monday, I have four more days of awkward worktime goodness to look forward to. This could have major repercussions. This could, in fact, make me "Dirty Sanchez boy" at the office. Spectacular.

In my defence, this is also from the wikipedia entry:

• Amy Sedaris' character in the film "Strangers with Candy" includes it as an outcome she anticipates with another character, in conjunction with the act 'Rusty Trombone'.
• It is the name of the bar in the movie Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story.
• Sanchez is the name of a dirt bike in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories and Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. The name in conjunction with the type of bike it is could imply that the bike is a "dirty Sanchez."
• It is one of a list of sexual experiences yet to be explored by The 40 Year Old Virgin.
• In the Veronica Mars episode "Plan B," Veronica calls Weevil "Dirty Harry." When he protests that he's not an Irish cop, she calls him "Dirty Sanchez."
• In the South Park episode Asspen, Cartman gives a sleeping Butters a Dirty Sanchez, which he calls a "Hitler".
• Soul Coughing lead singer M. Doughty has published both under his own name and under the pseudonym "Dirty Sanchez" in the New York Press. See, e.g., ["1999 NY Press article"] (contains profanity).
• Dirty Sanchez is the title of an album by the hardcore punk band Zeke.
• Dirty Sanchez is also the name of an electroclash band.
• Referenced in Club Dread, a character references the Dirty Sanchez along with "Oral Roberts" and "Anal Johnson."
• "Dirty Sanchez" is the name of a song by the band Burden Brothers.

SEE?! It's not just me! And for the record, I have no idea what a "Rusty Trombone" or an "Oral Roberts" are as mentioned above and I have no intention of looking them up.