The year in review
2006-11-14
As the second bonfire night has come and gone, a stray roman candle almost decapitating me, it dawned on me that I have been here for over a year now. What have I learned about England in that time?
A lot.
- It is not that difficult to live without a car. I can't believe I haven't owned one for more than a year, I never would've thought that possible before I moved here. Although I tell ya, when we have the money, I'm buying one, DAMMIT! Global warming can kiss my composting ass (see #6).
- The English like free stuff. I defy anyone to buy a load of groceries from the supermarket that doesn't contain a package with the (horribly redundant, see #3) phrase "Extra Free" on it. They also gamble on everything. At the betting agency Ladbrokes (who by the way could win the award for "Most apt company name ever") you can place a bet on Spanish handball if you want. You think I'm Kidding? HANDBALL!! That is fucked up. They're also thieving bastards.
- The English can't speak english. "I were at footie" is a perfectly acceptable statement in jolly ol'. They also love overly redundant statements (you see what I did there??) such as "beef burgers" and "tomato ketchup" (there are hundreds more, but I can't think of them right now). These aren't too bad, really, but I cannot forgive "vitally important". I'm sorry, but if you say "vitally important", you forfeit your right to speak. Please do the rest of the world a favour and get yourself a tongue-ectomy. And if they're not saying too many words, they are saying too few. "G'or" is a favourite of my Yorkshire pal, Bootie. G'or is short for "Give over" (It means "get outta here!" in Canada-speak). There are not enough apostrophes in the world to replace that many letters. "Ta" is short for "Thank you" because, obviously, "Thanks" just takes too long to say. *eyes roll back into head*
- The English have as many words for sandwich as the Inuit have for snow. In addition to "Sandwich", they have "Cob", "Bap", "Bun", "Buttie" amongst others. This is very strange, considering how difficult it is to find a decent one. Dear England, A sandwich must contain at LEAST five of the following to count as a sandwich: Mayo, Mustard, Lettuce, Meat, Tuna, Cheese, Tomato. To make it a GOOD sandwich, it has to have significantly more than that. I'm sorry, but fries have no place in between two pieces of bread you dirty, dirty savages.
- The English hate Americans. I don't mean the "Americans-are-fat-jerks-but-oh-well" kind of hate we have for them, I mean PROPER hate. Brits hate the Americans so bad I actually find myself defending them out of pity. DEFENDING AMERICANS! Me! Yes, it is THAT bad. The funny thing is that the Irish/Scottish/Welsh/Europeans say the same things about England that the English say about the yanks. Coincidence? *runs*
- The English actually care about the environment. Canadians say they care as they play on the computer, while watching TV in their SUV, but the limeys mean it (don't talk about discount flights). Try to find a car that runs on bio-fuel, a compost heap or a solar panel in a Canadian city, I dare ya. Having a Prime minister that is more concerned with safety against terrorists than climate change surely doesn't help. Fucking moron, I can't believe the yanks are smart enought to fill their houses with Democrats, but we fill ours with Conservatives and Separatists, but I digress...
- For a nation responsible for the internal combustion engine, bridges that defy gravity and RADAR, they sure bollocksed (I love that word) the toilet up. Why, oh, why can I not find a fucking toilet that works in this country? The number of floaters I've left after several unsuccessful flush attempts could shit-pave the M1 (sorry).
- England is a good place to find work. Tony Blair may be a fuckwit, but he's doing something right. If you're a flash developer, England is definitely the place to be.
I think the weirdest thing I've learned since I've been here is the British view of Canada. Apparently we are really into barbecuing and hardwood floors and that's. about. it.
Overall it's been a pretty good year in limey land. Good wife, Good job, Good house, Good friends, Mac Pro G5 Dual 2.66 with 23" cinema display, what more can an ex-pat ask for really?
...Clamato juice, that's what!