Phil Nichol, the naked racist
2007-01-31
So a couple of nights ago, we went to see Phil Nichol, this Canadian standup comic-type dude. I use the term "Canadian" loosely as he is from Toronto, which isn't really Canada. I thought it would be a good idea to Google him because I didn't know who he was. I found this:
Phil Nichol doing Standup at some club in October
As I was watching his routine at the Approach in Notts, I realised watching the YouTube footage was a mistake as he used a ton of the same material. If you are about to go check him out, don't watch it. YouTube must be killing the standup industry. I might feel sorry for the standup guys if they weren't such soul-less bastards.
To be fair, a lot of Phil's show was actually quite funny. He went on a rant about Americans and took the piss out of the Scottish so I was in his corner. I also found out he was in Corky and the Juice Pigs and wrote the song, "I'm the only gay eskimo" which he performed on stage. Very funny.
If you haven't heard of Corky and the juice pigs, Here it is when they sung Gay Eskimo on MadTV And can I just say on Phil's behalf that no matter what you think, it is not a fucking Tenacious D song.
The song and the routine were good, but he lost me a bit though when he did his bit on how friendly and polite Canadians are. One of the things that annoys me about Torontonians is how they claim to speak for all Canadians. Phil is no exception. He does this rant about when he first moved to the UK (it's also in the video above) how, because he's from Canada, he was really friendly and said "Hi, How're ya doin?" to all the meathead London yobs. This is a common stereotype perpertrated by Torontonians. As anyone who has met me will tell you, I am a grumpy old sod. I would much rather ignore you than say hello (See my neighbour rants). I am awkward in social situations and I am not very good at feigning interest in what you have to say. If there is one thing I am not, it's friendly. In fact, I think it's safe to say that I have a pronounced disdain for the human race in general.
Plus, I fucking hate the Maple Leafs. There is only one thing I hate more than the Maple Leafs, and that is Maple Leaf fans. I love nothing more than when the Leafs get unceremoniously ejected from the playoffs every year. I would even cheer for the Rangers over the Leafs. That's right, I said it, ya Torontonian pricks (Not you Colin/Liam/Sush/Moser, obviously, you guys are super :)).
Before I get back to Phil Nichol, I'd like to further my Toronto rant for a moment, please bear with me. There is one thing that I must settle right now. Attention Ontario, You are not in Central Canada, you are in Eastern Canada. Here is a map to help you:
The centre of Canada lies in northern Manitoba. "But, Rob, Ontario has five provinces on its left and five provinces on its right," I hear you Torontonians say. Yeah, but four of the five provinces to the east of you are the size of postage stamps. Vancouver Island is bigger than Prince Edward Island for fuck sakes.
And UKers, why do you ALL go to Toronto when you come to Canada? What is the first thing you think of when you think of Canada? Is it Moose, mountains, pine trees and lumberjacks? It is? Well, guess what? You won't find any of that shit in Toronto. All you'll find there are yuppies and humidity. Go to Alberta and BC, it makes Ontario look like Blackpool. Niagara Falls?! Amazingly crap.
Now that that is settled, where was I? Oh yes, Phil Nichol. The second half of Phil's show was the one he put on in Edinburgh called the "Naked Racist". Can I just say I never took that literally? Who would?! But sure enough, our man Phil got butt-assed naked and did his schtick on stage for what seemed like hours. Time seems to drag when another man's penis has made an appearance.
It could've been the funniest shit ever written, but all I kept thinking was "Why isn't he circumsized?" I thought all Canadian males in my relative age group were. Granted I'm not exactly a crotch watcher, but I thought it was the cool thing to do on Canadian kids in the 60s and 70s. Turns out I have some "All Canadians are..." thoughts in my head as well.
Not only that, but he has a brown cock. That's not all that weird if the rest of you is brown, but Phil is well an truly white. With a brown cock. Not an interesting or funny story, per se, just a bit odd. Maybe not even worth mentioning... I'll let you decide.
EDIT FEBRUARY 1 2007:-- I'd just like to mention that I wrote this last night, three glasses into a bottle of red wine. Clearly, it seems I have some issues with Toronto. I'm not sure where this came from but please keep the three glasses of wine in mind when you read it. Guess I can kiss any chance I had at getting published in NOW Toronto goodbye... D'oh.