Random scribblings
2007-12-01

The first one is a test piece to apply for a casino web site's role as their football columnist. The only guidance was that it was to be 200 words, on recent football related events and be full of "passion, character and the guts to say what you really think!" I don't know if smarmy is what they're looking for... we'll see.
The second one is a proposed script for a 3D short my buddy (and NTU lecturer), Andy, is putting together. I will be the voice of this fella. The first script I recorded with him was one where blue cat rages because he was served coffee instead of tea in the bar... (I'll post the link here once he finishes it). The script below is part two. Andy wanted a miserable bastard to do the voice, I have no idea why he chose me.

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Football column (200 words)

What is going on at Birmingham City?

Unless you’ve been living in a cave for the past couple weeks, you will have by now heard that Steve Bruce has left Birmingham City for Wigan Athletic.

He did this not to further his career, for a new challenge or even for a simple change of pace. He did this because, apparently, the soon-to-be new owner and hong kong hot shot, Carson Yeung thought he was a poo poo face. Talk about a pouty pre-emptive strike.

It might just blow up in his face with today’s news that Mr Yeung has missed the deadline to prove he had the dough to buy the team in the first place. Oops. Oh well, if this gig at Wigan doesn’t work out, Bruce can always take a job with the US military’s WMD task force.

Birmingham looked a mess until, bizarrely, Alex McLeish gave up the chance at Scottish football deityship by leaving the National team to take Bruce’s place. He can expect a few Glasgow kisses under the mistletoe this Christmas for that nutkick. What is he thinking?

I knew the yam yams were hungry for crazy, homegrown drama ever since Crossroads was cancelled, but this is ridiculous.

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3D script for blue cat

[Blue cat enters bar, his tail is bent up so it comes up through his legs. ]
Blue cat: Heeellooo ladies…
Lady cat: What is that? [looks at tail cock]
Blue cat: What’s what?
Lady cat: that. [points at tail cock]
Blue cat: Wouldn’t you like to know [to bartender] One tea, barkeep, make it HOT.
[Bartender puts cup of coffee on bar, blue cat picks it up and takes a sip and spits it out]
Blue cat: Coffee?!
[bartender giggles]
Blue cat: Don’t you laugh at me motha…
Lady cat: Are you gonna tell us what that is, or not?
[blue cat gives bartender angry look, softens it as looks back at lady cat]
Blue cat: That, my little darling, is what I like to call my tail cock.
Lady cat: that is disgusting.
Blue cat: It’s not even fully extended…
[Blue cat moves tail cock slowly up]
Blue cat: whooooooooop.
Lady cat: oh my. Yellow cat can’t do that..
Blue cat: That’s because yellow cat doesn’t have the tail cock gene. He’s not as, how you say, evolved as blue cat.
Bartender: So you’re talking in the third person now?
Blue cat: Yeah, that’s right, it’s a whole new Blue cat. Now get over here lady cat and bow down to Blue cat’s mighty tail cock.
Bartender: People who speak in the third person should be shot with balls of their own shit.
Blue cat[to bartender]:Oh my god, I hate you so much
Lady cat: Hey look, I can make a tail cock, too!
Blue cat: I'll uh... get me coat