The DVLA
2008-01-30

First off, sorry for the complete and utter lack of posts in here. I am still alive and I still have a lot of moaning about England to do... I've just been really busy with work, contracts etc. Hopefully this extra long entry makes up for it.

The rain is really starting to really weigh me down, I would give anything to see the sun for a (gasp) entire day. Honestly. My house, a testicle, hell, I'd give my pancreas for a sunny day. What does the pancreas do anyway? I'm sure it's not as important as a beer on a patio. In an effort to will the sun out, I bought a bike yesterday. I think sunscreen and a barbecue may both beat the bicycle as "Dumbest things to buy in England ever", but not by much. It's -50 in Calgary today with the wind chill. Yes, MINUS FIVE-OH. I never thought I would ever be jealous of -50, but it's sounding pretty good right about now.

Ok, maybe not.

Quick update: Christmas good, New Years fine. Kate got me tickets to see Chris Rock in Birmingham. I think I will write a column on watching a Chris Rock show as a pasty white guy sitting beside a black dude for my next one. A live Chris Rock show seems like a good idea until he starts saying "nigger", which if you have never seen Chris Rock before, happens about 0.2 seconds into his set. Did I laugh out loud? Hell no. PS - Birmingham SUCKS.

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After living here for about 2 and half years (yes, it has been THAT long), Kate and I finally bought a car. Anyone who knows me, knows I know sweet tweet about cars. When I looked at cars back home, I knew only two things, American cars suck and Japanese and German cars rule. They may have lost WW2, but those uh... Axis powers sure know how to build a car. And yes, I did just make a joke that is 60-some odd years old, the limeys still talk about the war like it happened yesterday.

In England, French cars are the most popular and Fords have a reputation for being dependable. Seriously. In fact, the Ford Mondeo won Top Gear's 2007 car of the year. I shit you not. My Dad sells Fords so I know first hand what pieces of shit they are. But French cars?! Who in their right mind would buy a car from a country who can't even build a um... tank? Me, that's who. (Last stupid WW2 joke, I promise) Not only did I buy a French car, but I bought one while at a Volkswagen dealership. Not only did I buy a French car at a Volkswagen dealership, but I bought a French car at a Volkswagen dealership when there was a Volkswagen Golf there for the same price.

I don't think they'll let me back into Alberta for that one.

It's a 2004 Peugeot 306 Automatic. The word “Peugeot” does not roll of the Canadian tongue, let me tell you. Apparently, you’re supposed to pronounce it something like “Perzhoe”, but I prefer Pew-jot.

We had to buy an automatic because this country doesn't allow Canadians to swap their licences for full British licences, even though I've been driving a 5 speed since I was 19. Which countries WILL they allow a licence swap without the "Automatic only" condition you ask? Let me tell you: Australia, Barbados, British Virgin Islands, Falkland Islands, Faroe Islands, Hong Kong, Japan, Monaco, New Zealand, Republic of Korea, Singapore, South Africa, Switzerland and Zimbabwe.

That's right, fucking Zimbabwe. Zimbabwians can exchange their licence for a full British licence with no provisions, but Canadians can only drive automatics. And yes, this is the same Zimbabwe that is currently being run by Robert Mugabe. And yes, that is THE farm-seizing, human rights-denying, people-starving, dictator, Robert Mugabe. Does that mean Zimbabwe's driving tests are less stringent than Canada's? Well, not exactly, but when a country is starving to death, driving licences are probably pretty low on their priority lists. Call me crazy.

But again, this is England, the land where common sense has well and truly left the building.

I get the form from the Post Office (they still use Post Offices in this country) where it instructs me to send my passport to them THROUGH THE MAIL. How quaint! No, I’ll go straight to a DVLA outlet thank you, it will be a frosty day in hell before I trust my passport to Royal Mail. I look through the phone book to find out where the nearest DVLA outlet is... Hmmm, this can’t be right it seems to say there is only ONE in Nottingham. No, scratch that, there is only one in NottinghamSHIRE. How fucking long is that queue going to be? Better pack a lunch. I Google Map the address to find that not only is there only one in Nottingham, but it is fucking miles out of the city centre. I guess walking is out of the question. So I go to the DVLA website to find out which bus I have to take to get there. Take a look at that link and scroll down to the section where it says “Directions By Bus”. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Finished? Good. I have made a concerted effort to eject the term “retarded” from my vocabulary, but wow. How fucking retarded is it that the place you get your driver’s licence is. not. accessible. by. bus. Look at how detailed the DRIVING directions are! Earth to DVLA, most people who are coming to your offices probably, uh... DON’T HAVE A FUCKING DRIVER’S LICENCE.

So Kate gives me a ride there, I wait in the queue, ask the lady why Canadians can only drive automatics and hand over my form. Guess what? She has no idea why Canadians can only drive automatics, she does however have a HILARIOUS story about a Canadian who got caught driving a five speed and got a huge fine. HAHAHAHA, I tell her she should take her act on the road, preferably a busy one.

She takes my form, charges me an extra four bucks to process it (really) and then doesn’t give me my licence. “I’ll just send this off and you should get your licence in the post in about three weeks”.

...

You cannot make this shit up.