What an exciting life I lead
2008-05-21

You know those mornings when you put a couple of slices of bread in the toaster and look for the Marmite, but can’t find it? You move every can and jar in the cupboard, but can only find eight different types of jam you didn’t even know you had. Using sugary-sweet jam when you’ve got salty-buttery Marmite on the mind is not easy. You search and search but can’t find it. And then right when you’ve resigned yourself to the fact that is going to be a morning of jam, you remember that you put the Marmite in a different cupboard last time, so you look there and find it. The only problem is now you’ve got jam on the mind and going back to Marmite just seems wrong.

This is my first day as an unemployed person. Fuck me, is it dull.

It wasn’t always this way. In fact, the last couple weeks have been a mix of highs and lows. One day it’s rainbows and unicorns, the next day I’m eating a truckload of diaper shit.

So much has happened in my work life that frankly, it wouldn’t fit into one blog entry. It would also ruin my next column that’s coming out on Friday, so I’ll talk more about it then. And to be fair, reading about someone else’s job interviews is about as much fun as reading scripture, so I’ll skip to the exciting bit.

I was in my first English car accident last week, what fun! Some dickhead rear-ended me on the Nottingham slip road and pushed my car into the one in front of me. So, yeah, the Per-jot is pretty mashed. Don’t worry, Aside from the odd ache and pain, I'm ok. It’s unfortunate really, I could’ve used a nice, fat claim cheque at the minute. My anal headrest adjusting just cost me about 5 grand. Damn, I should’ve paid a chav to kick me in the neck before I saw the doctor.

My insurer M&S has been quite good actually, they shipped out a rental car to me the following day and are taking care of everything. I also got a call from the other dude’s insurance company and they’ve already claimed liability so hopefully it all goes through smoothly (famous last words).

I just received the documentation from the car rental service. Check out my name:

Now, I know "Rob Cutforth" is a weird name. It’s English, so it’s bound to be strange. I get Cutworth and Cutford all the time, but Clitforth is a new one. They even misspelled my first name! How dirty is "Rod Clitforth"? It sounds like some horrible sex toy or some really sad porn name. Rod Clitforth is the guy who’s late to the game, coming into the industry long after all the good names had been taken.

Porn director: In the next scene, Rock Hardon and Long Dong Silver will come in dressed as plumbers and work this girl over...
Rod Clitforth: What should I do?
Porn Director: Rod Clitforth, eh? Hmmm... why don’t you get me a coffee? And then after that, maybe I’ll let you tweak a nipple or something.
Rod Clitforth: Wow, I might get to touch a girl this time?! How should I tweak it? Should I go clockwise, or...
Porn Director: On second thought, just stick with the coffee.

As if getting in a car accident and getting given a second rate porn name wasn’t bad enough, I got a letter in the mail from my bank (Lloyd’s TSB again) telling me that they stopped a number of direct withdrawals (including my mortgage) because I didn’t have enough money in there.

I checked my balance and there was more than enough, so I go down there, queue for ages, talk to two different people and finally get told that it was in fact a bank error. Not the best timing, Lloyd’s, considering I am in the process of re-mortgaging and have just been laid off. Missing a mortgage payment does not really put me in the best position to negotiate a new mortgage contract. Fucking idiots.

In other news, it turns out that in order to work contract for some agencies, I need to incorporate (what a pain) so I need a business name. If you’ve got a minute, leave a suggestion or two in the comments.

I’ll give you a better entry on the job hunt and maybe even a garden update next week. Next LeftLion is out on Friday (so I’m told).