Nanny state Britain - Merry Christmas 2008
2008-12-22

One thing I’ve not really talked about in this blog is the "Nanny state" that is the UK. I thought Canada’s obsession with Heath and Safety was bad, but it has nothing on England.

In pretty much every workplace I’ve been in has required weekly fire alarm checks. That’s right, every WEEK. In these same workplaces, I have received emails from the higher ups whinging that no one goes outside the odd time it’s not a fire alarm check, but an actual fire drill. Gee, I wonder why no one pays attention to the alarms... What do you think their solution has been to make sure people go outside during a drill? Less frequent fire alarm tests so people actually take them seriously, you ask? Fuck no, let’s make the fire alarm ear shatteringly loud so employees can’t physically stand the alarm and are forced outside. So every Friday when they test the alarms, I fill my shorts with the brown stuff. Noughties Britain Fire alarm procedures would make Pavlov pitch a tent in his shorts.

You are more likely to trip over a "Wet Floor" sign in this country that to actually slip on a wet floor. On the A623 between Nottingham and Manchester, there is even a permanent sign that says "Warning – FLOOD". I’ve made the jaunt between Nottingham and Manchester on this road, oh, about 8 million times throughout the year in all kinds of weather and it’s always there. Mid-July, mid-December, it doesn’t matter; There is always a chance of flooding. I have yet to see a flood there. Actually, scratch that, there was one time when there was a good sized puddle. When I went through it in the pew-jot, I made sure I didn’t shout "Wheeeeee!" as to not make the locals think I was not taking safety seriously.

If I could go back in time, I would go back to just before the whole health and safety thing came into force in this country and started a business making traffic cones. I’m convinced there is some secret traffic cone mogul who lives on the same street as Richard Branson and Rupert Murdoch.

In case you think I am just a whinging prat who blows things out of proportion (god, they’re on to me), here’s a couple photos I took last week to illustrate:

Snow slide:

Happy fun snow slide in the centre of Manchester, or Gitmo at first light? You decide.

Nut warning:

Guess which delicious snack this label is on? That’s right; it’s on a bag of nuts. These warnings are on EVERYTHING over here. I don’t think there are actually people with nut allergies in England, they’ve all died of starvation.

The weirdest thing about the nanny state is what they allow to be broadcast and what gets banned. Apparently crank calling a fake Spanish former John Cleese punching bag is the most horrific thing in the history of the world, but showing an ad where a young girl is repeatedly smacked upside the head (HARD) is ok:

This has been playing on TVs over here for the past month on fairly regular rotation. I have to turn the channel every time it comes on. Oddly, that warning that comes up on the YouTube version does not appear on the ad when it comes on TV. I can only assume that the warning is there for the non-Brits with a sense of common decency who pass by it while looking for the Robocop rap. For the Brits who get this sort of scare tactic bullshit pushed on them every Christmas, it’s not necessary. In fact, the general consensus on most internet boards and blog posts about it that I’ve read is that while it is hard to watch, it’s a very necessary reminder to everyone that this thing goes on. Obviously, we don’t want you to feel good about the world even for a minute. MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS, UK!

Apparently, Barnardo’s campaign a few years ago depicted babies with cockroaches coming out of their mouths. I. shit. you. not.

To get your mind off that horrible ad and back into a Christmassy sort of mood, here’s the Robocop rapper. It is a little slice of awesomeness. Merry Christmas!