Being British
2009-02-10

So I finally bit the bullet and handed over the £700 it takes to become a citizen of this country… erm collection of states… kingdom… uh whatever it is. It’s only just now at this very second as I typed that first line that I realised I have no idea what Great Britain actually is.

It’s not a country, it’s a collection of countries… well not exactly, because Wales and Northern England aren’t actually countries and come to think of it, Scotland doesn’t actually count as its own country either, does it?

According to Wikipedia, "Great Britain is the political term describing the political union of the kingdoms of England and Scotland made on 1 May, 1707 under Queen Anne of England". That sounds good and all, but how can you be a citizen of a political union?! I don’t get it.

In fact, the Wikipedia entry goes on to say that Northern Ireland is NOT part of Great Britain, but IS part of the United Kingdom. And where does Jersey, Guernsey and the Isle of Man fit in? It’s all very confusing. How the hell did I manage to pass the citizenship exam without actually having to find out what it is I am becoming a citizen of?

I mean, don’t get me wrong, the citizenship exam has some great questions in it, but surely, a question or two on what Great Britain actually is might be as important as the two questions I got on April fools day or the one on the makeup of a Christmas pudding... am I wrong?

One thing I’ve learned about Britain during the citizenship process (and indeed with any British process) is that you’re never told out about the really important bits until it’s too late. Ryanair and British Gas are especially good at not telling you the rules and then giving you shit for breaking them. The same thing applies here. Let me just share four (incredibly important) things I learned while I was getting my documents checked that are not in any citizenship guide:

1. DO NOT challenge a speeding ticket until after you’ve become a citizen. The dude that checked my forms said that if you challenge a speeding ticket and lose in court, it counts as a conviction and you have to wait a further three years before you apply again. If you would’ve just paid the ticket on time, you would’ve been fine. In other news, a failed attempt at fighting a speeding ticket is treated the same as a conviction for kidnapping. I. Shit. You. Not.


2. DO NOT submit your application if there is a chance the date they read it on is the same date in a previous year that you were on holiday. If, for instance, the reviewer reads your application on April 1, 2009 and your holiday list says you were away on holiday April 1, 2004, it’s automatically rejected, EVEN if you’ve lived in the UK for 20 years before that. You must’ve been in the country on the DATE exactly five years before the application is read, or you are out £700.


3. Make sure you submit your application before the passport with the original working visa and all your holiday trips stamps expires. If you’ve been in the UK and have renewed your passport since you’ve been here, and they have to look through more than one passport, expect delays. If you’ve lost your old passport, you have to wait until you’ve been in the country for five years on the new one. Especially fun if, like me, you have a Canadian passport that expires after 5 years.


4. And finally and most importantly, if you qualify for citizenship now, HURRY UP AND APPLY. There are new rules coming in at the end of the year and they (for lack of a better phrase) SUCK ASS. They include a one year probationary period once you’ve completed your five year residence. But that’s not all, you must spend that year volunteering and charity fund raising or else it’s a THREE YEAR probationary period. That’s right, unless you're Florence Nightingale, you would have to live here for eight years before you could apply. In fact, there is talk that the volunteering will become mandatory. I’d love to see what would happen if they tried implementing mandatory volunteering services on the British-born public… poll tax riot anyone?

In addition to increasing the time you have to live in this country before applying, Jacqui Smith is also forcing identity cards on and taking jobseeker’s allowance away from immigrants. Tell me again how the Labour party is a liberal, left wing party? I knew New Labour moved right, but when did they catch up to the BNP?

Jacqui’s reasoning for the new rules are "to end the situation where foreign nationals languish in limbo by living here but not adapting to the British way of life". British way of life?! What in god’s name is that? Quaffing a six pack of Tennants Super and nicking some copper wire from the train tracks? Give me a fucking break.

Pondering what the "British way of life" is, I walked into Sainsburys and I found this:

Sod the test, the probationary period, the forced volunteering, or the identity cards. If it’s the "British way of life" you are most interested in indoctrinating, Jacqui, simply show an immigrant that four-pack of wine, in plastic cups, filled right to the top, sealed with cling film and ask:

"What do you think of that?"

If they reply, "I think that is perfectly reasonable," march them straight down to town hall and hand them a shiny new passport. If they gasp and recoil in horror, send their dirty, job-stealin’, terrorisin’ foreign asses back to whatever godless no-four-pack-of-wine-havin’, good for nuthin’ shithole cesspit excuse for a country from which they were unceremoniously shat.

They are obviously not ready - scratch that - not good enough for British society.