Oh, that's a wicked googly!
2009-09-01

I’m becoming the thing that I used to most hate.

I used to rant on incessantly about Canadians I would meet who would say things like "quid" and "mate" and even "taking the piss out of" after only living in England for a few years. Sad Anglophiles who actually say they like England. Last week I said "Blimey". BLIMEY! I can’t really believe it myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t felt the need to fly down to Malawi and buy myself a baby just yet, but, well, let me just tell you what happened today. I was drinking my second cup of tea, flicking between work stuff and the BBC Football Transfer Deadline Day Online Tracker while massaging my still aching shoulder acquired from a Cricket nets session last week when a co-worker and I started talking footy in the coffee room. He’s a Manchester United fan so he was a happy chappy (Gawd!) as Man U had just beaten Arsenal last weekend. (That Diaby own goal played havoc with my fantasy football team, but I digress).

During our discussion he (knowing I’m Canadian) asked me who won the Stanley Cup this year. And. I. had. no. idea. None. Not even an inkling. It was only then that I realised I hadn’t watched a single hockey game all year. Standing there flabbergasted and utterly ashamed of myself, I tried to salvage some pride by saying "I, uh, think it was Detroit". Which as any hockey fan will tell you, is a pretty good guess. A completely and totally wrong guess, however.

I actually had to look it up on bloody WIKIPEDIA to find out, and not only was it not Detroit, but it was, in fact, Sidney Crosby’s (aka Gretzky Jr’s) team, Pittsburgh, who won it. I missed out on Canada’s next messiah hoisting the Cup without even noticing! Frantically, I took a look at the Oiler site to make sure I could still talk intelligently about my team at least, only to find out that I recognised exactly six names on the entire roster. Wow, remind me to avoid any of my Oiler fan buddies between now and next season. Get me that ESPN America subscription pronto!

What’s worse is that I really, really, really like Cricket. What’s even worse than that is I am awesome at Cricket. Exact quote from limey Cricket bowler to me while I was batting at nets last week: "You know, batting is actually a lot more difficult than you are making it look". He was probably just being nice as in about 40 pitches (bowls?), I was bowled out twice, caught out by the bowler and hit the opposing stumps. But all the other ones I hit would have easily gone for four or six, in fact, a couple times I almost took the bowler’s head clean off. I’m a wildman!

In completely unrelated news (speaking of wild), I’ve managed to add "Carpal Tunnel Syndrome" to "Astigmatism" and "Planchar fasciitis" to complete the perfect trifecta of nerd disorders. All I need to do now is add a bow tie, a pocket protector and some orthodontic headgear to my glasses, wrist strap and insoles and I’ll have the full set!

I actually had to have a workplace assessment done to make sure my desk wasn’t too dangerous. Why, just last week, when carrying a plate of toast (with honey on), my hand went numb and I dropped the toast (honey side down) right into my lap. I could’ve been killed.

When I told the "Occupational Health Officer" (don’t get me started) about it, she said "hmmm, CTS eh? You’re not even over 40 or pregnant hahahahaha". Maybe the most depressing thing anyone has ever said to me.

I expected to get all kinds of nerdy office paraphernalia from her; a new chair, an ergonomic desk, maybe even multiple monitors. In fact, I half expected my workspace to look like a COMMAND CENTRE with all kinds of beeping gadgets and electronically adjustable shit. Like in Dr Strangelove. YEAH! Get me the PRESIDENT!

Unfortunately, it wasn’t like that at all, my desk looks the same as before only with more gel pads than the beach volleyball court at the Playboy Mansion. It’s almost arousing.

Sigh.

Maybe my next disease will be more exciting…